That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's blow job season.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
