she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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