my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
