It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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