I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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