I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
