Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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