what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
