I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Everclear isn't food dammit
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
