so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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