I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
