I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I could make wine with my vomit
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
