my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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