I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The uberlube is also flammable
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
