I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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