Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
