Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
