I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
sarcasm needs its own font
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
