Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
At least life still wants to fuck me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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