U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Porn is love you can see.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
