Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
