He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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