pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
