The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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