I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
