I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
