Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Randomize
