walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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