wat bout pragnant strippers??
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
