A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
