apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
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I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
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A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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