I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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