I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
