Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
