she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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