Apparently you make a good broom.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
