Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
