"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
