i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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