Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
