Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
