every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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