Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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