dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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