Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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