my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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