you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
