I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
