i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize