is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
