Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
