you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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