What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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